Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part II

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post. Being Gentle with myself in the Questions - Part I is here.)

I have so many contradictions:

• I want to be wanted...I fear to be wanted.
• I want to be useful...I don't want to have others' unrealistic expectations imposed upon me.
• I love and thrive to be alone...I ache in being alone ...

Is this normal?

How can I invite others to deep places of these painful questions and contradictions, with an invitation also, to surrender even in the midst of unsatisfactory answers? I know the discomforts of living by faith with a nebulous, Mysterious Lover. The heights and depths and widths of His Love both surpass my understanding and whet my appetite for the more. But "the more" is daunting, and my doubts ebb and flow as constant and rhythmic as the tides. When the tide is low, so much in my life and soul feels exposed, stranded, stuck.

Breathe. I must remember to breathe.

I hear an echo of voices past and present urging me to be gentle with myself. I cannot hear this enough, It is easy to dispense similar advice to others, but honestly, I struggle to know what it looks like in my day to day life and calling. It makes me wonder if the fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control – is as much a gift toward myself as it is toward others? In other words, how can I be gentle with my neighbor if a) I have not experienced God's gentleness and b) I have not been gentle with myself? Without these primary experiences, any gentleness I show to others is contrived and likely manipulative – existing only to portray my spirituality, not embody it.

• How are you able to be gentle with yourself? 
• Or how have you experienced the gentleness of God?
• What difference might it make to be more gentle with yourself? 
• Which area of your life do you struggle most (i.e. have high expectations of yourself) in being gentle?
• What does your heart want to pray?

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part I

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post)

So, what are my questions?

What is the “it” that I'm trying to figure out? What am I asking and hoping that if I do get an answer, will render my life more peaceful, meaningful, fulfilling, restful and in sync with God?

Honestly, at least currently, much of my struggles, doubts and insecurities stem from my “aloneness.” But indeed, it is the greatest paradox of my life. I love to be alone – to create alone – to enjoy stillness and solitude and quiet... I'm energized deeply by a leisurely, quiet morning in front of a fire reading, or gardening, reflecting, meditating, praying, sauntering. Typically, I do these best alone. I am the one who can't wait to go to a cabin in the woods/at the coast/in the gorge for a week by myself (with my dog and cat, of course.)

Though I have a preference for aloneness, I know I need community. I also have friends and communities with whom I intentionally share my life and even my struggles. Sometimes they are life-giving. At other times, the innate human temptation to “fix” one another predominates and I walk away even more discouraged. As a self-proclaimed selfish, finite, fumbling human I don't need a pep talk any more than a smoker needs to be told that smoking is not good for your health. I have a love/hate relationship with my communities, and as an extreme introvert who prefers monk-ish rhythms and thinks homesteading in simplicity on Walden pond, like Thoreau, would be idyllic, I struggle to be gentle with myself in giving me the space I need and finding the balance between alone/together so as to gift myself with what is appropriate for my sanity.

I know this about me...I need space to be alone. I cannot offer any "presence" to others unless I've regenerated in these abundant spaces - and for me, it seems to take a whole lot more than for others. And/or, I've been daring enough to re-align my life, live more simply, in order to take the space I need so I can be present and loving to God, self and others. In the midst there is a costly, beautiful ache in the aloneness. He has called me to be near...and I have devoted my life to be close to the Lord (Jer. 30:21) Regardless, beneath the aloneness I am not so much lonely as much as I wonder, “Am I desirable? Do I have value and beauty regardless of my capabilities? Am I wanted for more than what I have to offer? Can I be the monk-ish me in the midst of a world that feverishly pursues so much vanity?”

The world (nor the church) is set up well for those of us with contemplative monk-ish hearts. Oh to be gentle with myself and with the church...I'm not so good at either.

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART III

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post - Living the questions - Part I is here.)

Only God can meet my haunting questions satisfactorily. I don't think He necessarily answers the question, but he promises to be with me – and that is [or at least was originally intended to be] enough.

The Lord is my Shepherd – I shall not want (ps. 23:1). 

Oh to be so content and trusting that my every unanswered question dissipates in His Presence...that I don't need to know because His Presence that goes with me also gives me rest (a settledness/at-home-ness in His Presence) Ex 33

In Spiritual Direction with a compassionate listener, she, in her silent, attentive presence with me, gives me courage to be comfortable with unknowing. A good Spiritual Director, like a good river guide, has journeyed into the territory of the rough waters of the soul. She is engaged in the practice of encountering giant boulders of pain, swirling currents of questions and undertows of desire. She is one who is herself living the questions, surrendering to the heights, depths and widths of God's love that surpass her understanding (Eph. 3: 18-21).

The journey requires unknowing...a trustful surrendering of what I think I know to be true...this cannot be done in a nice, half-hour morning devotional where I extrapolate principles for bettering my life (behavior, attitudes, etc). For most North Americans bred on dualistic reasoning, linear thinking and with the internet at our disposal to gorge our brains with information – we think knowledge/info and "googling it" is power (perhaps even our means to 'salvation'). We believe answers will relieve our suffering. We are rarely invited to a journey of unknowing. Yet the One who is Mystery...well, He gently beckons...not to impart knowledge, but to be with.

Nouwen writes: 

“Teachers can only teach when there are students who want to learn. Spiritual Directors can direct only when there are seekers who come with a question. Without a question, an answer is experienced as manipulation or control. Without a struggle, the help offered is considered interference. And without the desire to learn, direction is easily felt as oppression” (8).

Do you have vexing questions? Are you weary of living in a pathological busyness that is sucking love and life out of your days?

Again, Nouwen offers the value of spiritual companionship and guidance: “Spiritual guidance affirms the basic quest for meaning. It calls for the creation of space in which the validity of the questions does not depend on the availability of answers but on the questions' capacity to open us up to new perspectives and horizons” (9).

Oh how I long for people to experience relief – to companion others into the rough and glorious waters of the soul. reFresh was born out of this longing to created unhurried space for the soul. But just as not everyone will desire to go on a wild, white water rapid adventure for fear of being flipped out of the boat...not many desire to go into unchartered waters and canyons and rapids of the soul...where breathtaking, life-altering views and experiences lay waiting. I long for reFresh to be a place where people can ask the questions, to live the questions with God and one another, to let the questions (and God) open us to new perspectives and horizons.

Anyone interested and want to join me?

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART II

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post - Living the questions - Part I is here.)

“Once pain or confusion is framed or articulated by a question, it must be lived rather than answered...The first task of seeking [spiritual] guidance then is to touch your own struggles, doubts and insecurities – in short to affirm your life as a quest. Your life, my life, is given graciously by God. Our lives are not problems to be solved but journeys to be taken with Jesus as our friend and finest guide.” (Henri Nouwen, in Spiritual Direction, 6).

Picture an iceberg...on the surface is what we know. Beneath is a mass of unknown. What presents as our compulsions (often in response to our pain/woundings), really, if we take time to pay attention, is an invitation to our deeper questions below the surface. But beneath (or perhaps within) our questions lies our longings...our soul, mind, body, heart yearnings, crying out for authentic and meaningful loving and living. Our compulsions mask our pain. Our pain leads to deeper questions – and our questions, sometimes disguised as dissatisfactions – always lead to our longings.When we let them lead us to our longings, they are Holy.

And my/your longing is the truest thing about me/you – whether we are conscious of it or not. It is a compulsory force for all we think, say, and do.

No doubt, these “ultimate life questions” are potentially charged with the type of glorious profundity that will sully life as usual. Life may still “look” mundane and perhaps even like a struggle, but everyday moments will be, as Gerald Manley Hopkins penned, be “charged with the grandeur of God.” Ordinary becomes extraordinary because we dare to live our questions and listen for His answers. People who face death and battle diseases know this...in the midst of the deeper questions many petty concerns and pursuits seem frivolous.

When we do dare to dig deeper and we have a taste that there is INDEED more – when we realize and embrace that ultimately our longing to be loved and significant is only met in the lavish embrace of God – our compulsions to attain enough affection, approval and security/control, dissipate. We no longer need to frenetically chase the "oh look that's shiny" shadows of reality. We are enough; Life is enough; Because He is enough. The pathway to “enoughness” seems to be by paying attention to our wounds, our questions and the deepest longings these reveal. Yes, even the longings which often feel threatening, out-of-control, untidy and “improper” for “nice” Christian people.

I wonder if that is why there is a pathological addiction to busyness in our culture.

If I stay busy, my life “looks” of value, for “busyness” is a modern day status symbol of success AND I can avoid the deeper longings that are often unpredictable and seem irresponsible. I can secure (aka manipulate) the affection I need, the approval I need, the control/security I need to feel good about myself. Busyness lends me the convenience of bypassing the pain so as to also ignore the underlying questions. But if I continue doing so, my life will continue “spinning” in the dreaded rut – where I do the same behaviors over and over expecting a fresh and effortless outcome (i.e. like losing weight without limiting my intake of food or exercising...)

I will never arrive at my soul's deepest longings – and the place where true, abundant and meaningful living emerges - without facing my pain and living my questions.

Here is God's invitation (in the context of bringing our thirsts to his living waters Is. 55:1-8):

“Pay attention, come to Me, and listen that your soul might live.” (Is. 55:3)

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART I

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post)

Spiritual writer Henri Nouwen, in his book Spiritual Direction, poses that people often go for spiritual guidance when they are unable to evade an “ultimate life question” which vexatiously festers around the corners of their lives. Some of those questions resemble these:

• What is truth?
• I'm so tired of being tired - isn't there more?
• What do I do with my loneliness? My giftedness?
• Can I be forgiven for _________?
• Will I ever be truly loved? Am I loveable? Desirable? Wanted?
• Why am I stuck in a cyclical striving for approval, affection and the need to control but never feeling I gain enough of any of these things?
• How can I overcome my addictions, shame, lust, inadequacies, sense of failure, embarrassments, etc?
• Where is God in all “this” suffering (pain, unclarity, confusion, loss etc)?
• What is my purpose on this planet? Will I ever accomplish anything meaningful?

Where do you turn when you have some of these “ultimate” life questions?

I often don't “see” these questions on the surface of my life. The busyness of life can push most of them to the back burner. But they, nonetheless, commonly lurk beneath the dark surfaces of my conscious or subconscious pain and woundings. Sometimes it is easier to avoid and/or garner pity for the pain than to take a look at it and the deeper questions being revealed underneath. These questions are rarely gentle...they are more haunting...I think that is because some deep part of my soul is crying out to be truly freed to live fiercely and freely. But the doubts feel threatening...will they expose me as a fraud? a failure? a freak?

It is easy to see doubt (i.e. my questions) as the opposite of faith – where really, thinking I am certain of my own ability to answer/validate my life (and/or to avoid the questions while making up my own fictitious estimation of validation) is the opposite of faith.

Really our restless questions ARE the essence of our faith...will we turn to the Creator or culture for answers?

• Consider slowing long enough to sit with some of your “pain” - underneath are your “ultimate life questions.” What are they?
• Now consider paying attention to the core, soulish part of you – where God, your Lover and Maker reside, and ask, “Lord, what are the longings beneath my questions? What is my soul crying out for?” (just listen...do not journal during this time, be attentive to body, soul, mind...)
• After 10 minutes of silence...journal your experience. What did this time reveal to you about God? About yourself? How do you feel about it?

No doubt, these questions are daunting to face alone. It is no wonder that few actually take the time to journey to these deeper places...I long to companion those who long to intentionally face and live their questions...I should not be surprised that so few are "signing up" to do so. This is NOT easy. But neither is getting your body in shape to climb Mt. Hood.

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys with you and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part IV

Regardless of my understanding or ability to control, I felt free to bring my weary and melancholy self into God's presence...again. I am, indeed, powerless to truly solve my humanity with all my innate compulsions to defend, affirm and advance myself. The more I try, the more deeply vested and mired is my ego in itself and its addictions.


The whole Christian journey truly seems to be about God lovingly "un-ning" my false ways of navigating life, and inviting me to union with Him. This isn't just belonging - but joining - becoming one with, having my life hidden with; it is the no-longer-I-who-live-but-Christ-who-lives-in-me sort of stuff. It is the marrow of saints and mystics and martyrs and people who take vows of poverty and chastity and preach sermons to birds and care for the dying in the slums of India - right? Or is it the pith of me, you, the ordinary folk in the 21st century living in a glut of impotent spirituality?


I am woefully inadequate (and not to mention way too selfish and controlling) for union. And yet, I both long for and likely subconsciously sabotage this soul yearning in response to Divine Invitation. My inadequacy, at least in this corner of "my" life, ought to be the greatest cause for celebration. And yet, because my eyes are still too much on me, and what others might think of me, I struggle with feeling morose and discouraged.



Once again. Again. And again...Just as I am, I come. And for a brief moment a warm breath dissipates the despair. For a moment. Then once again, again, and again...just as I am, I come. Abiding, centering, veering off, re-centering, hoping to God that God is God...and flavoring me well in the midst of the marinating.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part III

It seems like nothing spectacular happened during this time of sitting in silence with God - or perhaps I was on the verge of sleep - who am I to distinguish? I'm told by "dead friends" (medieval monastics and early Desert Fathers and Mothers who write on such things) that whether I feel anything or gain any insight, or not, is not the goal. Letting God do a deep, wordless work is my hope. Indeed, all I can do is hope to God that God is God...and good. Calm and Great; Fierce and gentle; Relentless and Tender.


I usually don't recognize that something happened til later - sort of like the two walking on the road to Emmaus - "Were not our hearts burning.....?" (Luke 24:32) or Jacob awaking from his sleep: "Surely the Lord was in this place and I did not know it." (Gen 28:16). Or how grapes appear from doing nothing much but being connected to the vine or how a flank steak absorbs its teriyaki flavor by marinating for hours on end. Transformation only becomes obvious when I inadvertently notice that I didn't react over-dramatically to something that normally gets my goat. Somehow I absorbed the flavor. Somehow the fruit develops. Somehow I notice that I once merely scurried across the dirt and now have wings to fly. Somehow all heaven and earth are moving in the depths of my soul - and I am unaware of it til later. Hmm, maybe something IS happening as I sit with God. What I don't like about it is that I'm not in control of it.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part II

I long to belong.

I am scared of belonging.

What does that actually mean anyway? That I'm accepted? Wanted? Fit in? Or am I merely a bona fide card-carrying member because I passed some weird initiations and have a few seminary degrees and certificates and can spout off some odd creeds and Bible verses and look and spend like most of the others who belong to my particular flavor of Christianity?

That I "heard" the God of the Universe say that I belong to Him both thrills and threatens me. But I don't really know all of what this means. Who am I? Meaning I am both in awe and confused. I didn't think that was possible.

• Tell me about a time when you were both in awe AND confused at the same time...
• What "threatens" you about belonging? How do you prevent yourself from being yourself in your efforts to belong?

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part I

This morning I attempted to sit in silence with God. I am longing for my heart to be healed and know that unflummoxed peace, confidence, and the lack of defensive and judgmental postures from encountering the world in fear. This can only come as Deep calls to deep and melts away all my ingrained compulsions and lusty attachments. In this I am hoping to God that God is God...and good.

So I sat with Him - or more appropriately, squirmed in my attempt to settle my soul while using the "centering" phrase, "I belong to you" every time there was a "distraction" (only about 6000 times...). A few times I heard (not audibly, but assuredly in my core) in response, "Yes, you belong to me."

Those five words brought simultaneous comfort and terror.

• What does "belonging" mean to you? 
• How do you respond to belonging to God?

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Offering some loaves and fishes...

I've been reading through a compilation of Henri Nouwen's thoughts on Spiritual Direction in a book of that same title. In one of his chapters, he speaks of the importance of writing as a spiritual exercise/discipline to help us "discover what lives in us." Here are some of his thoughts:

"For me, to find God in the word often requires writing. Spiritual writing has a very important place in spiritual formation. Even so, writing is often the source of great pain and anxiety. It is remarkable how hard it is to sit down quietly and trust our own creativity...even after many years of writing, I experience real fear when I face the empty page. Why am I so afraid?

"The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey of which we do not know the final destination. Thus, writing requires a great act of trust. We have to say to ourselves: 'I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write.'

"Writing is like giving away the few loaves and fishes we have, trusting that they will multiply in the giving. Once we dare to 'give away' on paper [or electronic blog] the few thoughts that come to us, we start discovering how much is hidden underneath these thoughts and thus we gradually come in touch with our own riches and resources" (99).

As I have journeyed with Jesus over the past several months, I've encountered spaces and places within my soul that are new to me. The newness presents both a thrill and a threat...and often as I've shared with others what I'm experiencing (mostly a deep unraveling of much of what I thought was important) I get cockeyed looks of concern or meddling formulaic fixes for my seemingly off-kiltered gait. I had one person ask me, "How do you want us to pray specifically for you in the weird place you are in?" As if I wasn't already feeling like a freak - I am tempted to feel out of place: too serious, or arrogant, or perhaps verging on, dare I say, heresy.

So, Henri has challenged me...dared me.

The blank page scares me. Sharing the blank page scares me even more. But do I believe that the few loaves and fishes that I'm stumbling upon - wondering how in the hell they will ever feed me - will somehow, when distributed via the hands of God, more than adequately feed 5000? I am dared to believe, but help my disbelief.

In the Biblical story (Matt 14:15-21) people ate as much as they wanted. It wasn't necessarily measured out equally nor fairly. People took what they wanted. Ate what they wanted. Until they were satisfied. There was no judgment or constraint on how much or little anyone took. At the end of the day the disciples aren't bummed because "So-and-So" didn't get his fair share or that Mrs. Farmer ate more than her fair share and pocketed some rolls. Their job was to distribute the goods. There was no "comment form" to register anonymous complaints. As far as we know, there were none because everyone ate until they were satisfied.

I am sheepish to offer/distribute what I've been given - to open myself up for critique, to be vulnerable, asking questions that I think I "should" know the answers to by now - especially as a career "religious" person. Or to ask questions that will likely make too many waves and/or draw too much attention to me or to those questions that we just don't ask in church. I prefer to wrestle in obscurity. Yet I feel invited, and compelled, to offer the doubt-riddled, inadequate loaves and fishes reflections (actually mostly questions)...about ministry, loneliness, spiritual union with God, women in ministry, spiritual direction, shame, inner healing - all without concern of who eats, how much they eat, if they criticize me for not offering steak and lobster instead and for not cooking their fish to perfection (ha - I don't even like seafood, raw or cooked!). How God multiplies, satisfies and/or unnerves people ... well, that is Her job. (I know - I offered that pesky gender pronoun on purpose...)

Join me on this pilgrimage if you'd like ...please. I am running across too many people who feel alone in the struggle. So, ask your questions with me... offer your loaves and fishes with me...and we'll see how God might just feed us and lead us to discover who we are and what is alive in us, and who we are being invited to become. May we come to discover and live more in touch with the lavish, fully satisfying riches and resources of God in the ordinariness of our daily questions.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com