Being Gentle with Myself in the Questions - Part I

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post)

So, what are my questions?

What is the “it” that I'm trying to figure out? What am I asking and hoping that if I do get an answer, will render my life more peaceful, meaningful, fulfilling, restful and in sync with God?

Honestly, at least currently, much of my struggles, doubts and insecurities stem from my “aloneness.” But indeed, it is the greatest paradox of my life. I love to be alone – to create alone – to enjoy stillness and solitude and quiet... I'm energized deeply by a leisurely, quiet morning in front of a fire reading, or gardening, reflecting, meditating, praying, sauntering. Typically, I do these best alone. I am the one who can't wait to go to a cabin in the woods/at the coast/in the gorge for a week by myself (with my dog and cat, of course.)

Though I have a preference for aloneness, I know I need community. I also have friends and communities with whom I intentionally share my life and even my struggles. Sometimes they are life-giving. At other times, the innate human temptation to “fix” one another predominates and I walk away even more discouraged. As a self-proclaimed selfish, finite, fumbling human I don't need a pep talk any more than a smoker needs to be told that smoking is not good for your health. I have a love/hate relationship with my communities, and as an extreme introvert who prefers monk-ish rhythms and thinks homesteading in simplicity on Walden pond, like Thoreau, would be idyllic, I struggle to be gentle with myself in giving me the space I need and finding the balance between alone/together so as to gift myself with what is appropriate for my sanity.

I know this about me...I need space to be alone. I cannot offer any "presence" to others unless I've regenerated in these abundant spaces - and for me, it seems to take a whole lot more than for others. And/or, I've been daring enough to re-align my life, live more simply, in order to take the space I need so I can be present and loving to God, self and others. In the midst there is a costly, beautiful ache in the aloneness. He has called me to be near...and I have devoted my life to be close to the Lord (Jer. 30:21) Regardless, beneath the aloneness I am not so much lonely as much as I wonder, “Am I desirable? Do I have value and beauty regardless of my capabilities? Am I wanted for more than what I have to offer? Can I be the monk-ish me in the midst of a world that feverishly pursues so much vanity?”

The world (nor the church) is set up well for those of us with contemplative monk-ish hearts. Oh to be gentle with myself and with the church...I'm not so good at either.

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART III

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post - Living the questions - Part I is here.)

Only God can meet my haunting questions satisfactorily. I don't think He necessarily answers the question, but he promises to be with me – and that is [or at least was originally intended to be] enough.

The Lord is my Shepherd – I shall not want (ps. 23:1). 

Oh to be so content and trusting that my every unanswered question dissipates in His Presence...that I don't need to know because His Presence that goes with me also gives me rest (a settledness/at-home-ness in His Presence) Ex 33

In Spiritual Direction with a compassionate listener, she, in her silent, attentive presence with me, gives me courage to be comfortable with unknowing. A good Spiritual Director, like a good river guide, has journeyed into the territory of the rough waters of the soul. She is engaged in the practice of encountering giant boulders of pain, swirling currents of questions and undertows of desire. She is one who is herself living the questions, surrendering to the heights, depths and widths of God's love that surpass her understanding (Eph. 3: 18-21).

The journey requires unknowing...a trustful surrendering of what I think I know to be true...this cannot be done in a nice, half-hour morning devotional where I extrapolate principles for bettering my life (behavior, attitudes, etc). For most North Americans bred on dualistic reasoning, linear thinking and with the internet at our disposal to gorge our brains with information – we think knowledge/info and "googling it" is power (perhaps even our means to 'salvation'). We believe answers will relieve our suffering. We are rarely invited to a journey of unknowing. Yet the One who is Mystery...well, He gently beckons...not to impart knowledge, but to be with.

Nouwen writes: 

“Teachers can only teach when there are students who want to learn. Spiritual Directors can direct only when there are seekers who come with a question. Without a question, an answer is experienced as manipulation or control. Without a struggle, the help offered is considered interference. And without the desire to learn, direction is easily felt as oppression” (8).

Do you have vexing questions? Are you weary of living in a pathological busyness that is sucking love and life out of your days?

Again, Nouwen offers the value of spiritual companionship and guidance: “Spiritual guidance affirms the basic quest for meaning. It calls for the creation of space in which the validity of the questions does not depend on the availability of answers but on the questions' capacity to open us up to new perspectives and horizons” (9).

Oh how I long for people to experience relief – to companion others into the rough and glorious waters of the soul. reFresh was born out of this longing to created unhurried space for the soul. But just as not everyone will desire to go on a wild, white water rapid adventure for fear of being flipped out of the boat...not many desire to go into unchartered waters and canyons and rapids of the soul...where breathtaking, life-altering views and experiences lay waiting. I long for reFresh to be a place where people can ask the questions, to live the questions with God and one another, to let the questions (and God) open us to new perspectives and horizons.

Anyone interested and want to join me?

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART II

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post - Living the questions - Part I is here.)

“Once pain or confusion is framed or articulated by a question, it must be lived rather than answered...The first task of seeking [spiritual] guidance then is to touch your own struggles, doubts and insecurities – in short to affirm your life as a quest. Your life, my life, is given graciously by God. Our lives are not problems to be solved but journeys to be taken with Jesus as our friend and finest guide.” (Henri Nouwen, in Spiritual Direction, 6).

Picture an iceberg...on the surface is what we know. Beneath is a mass of unknown. What presents as our compulsions (often in response to our pain/woundings), really, if we take time to pay attention, is an invitation to our deeper questions below the surface. But beneath (or perhaps within) our questions lies our longings...our soul, mind, body, heart yearnings, crying out for authentic and meaningful loving and living. Our compulsions mask our pain. Our pain leads to deeper questions – and our questions, sometimes disguised as dissatisfactions – always lead to our longings.When we let them lead us to our longings, they are Holy.

And my/your longing is the truest thing about me/you – whether we are conscious of it or not. It is a compulsory force for all we think, say, and do.

No doubt, these “ultimate life questions” are potentially charged with the type of glorious profundity that will sully life as usual. Life may still “look” mundane and perhaps even like a struggle, but everyday moments will be, as Gerald Manley Hopkins penned, be “charged with the grandeur of God.” Ordinary becomes extraordinary because we dare to live our questions and listen for His answers. People who face death and battle diseases know this...in the midst of the deeper questions many petty concerns and pursuits seem frivolous.

When we do dare to dig deeper and we have a taste that there is INDEED more – when we realize and embrace that ultimately our longing to be loved and significant is only met in the lavish embrace of God – our compulsions to attain enough affection, approval and security/control, dissipate. We no longer need to frenetically chase the "oh look that's shiny" shadows of reality. We are enough; Life is enough; Because He is enough. The pathway to “enoughness” seems to be by paying attention to our wounds, our questions and the deepest longings these reveal. Yes, even the longings which often feel threatening, out-of-control, untidy and “improper” for “nice” Christian people.

I wonder if that is why there is a pathological addiction to busyness in our culture.

If I stay busy, my life “looks” of value, for “busyness” is a modern day status symbol of success AND I can avoid the deeper longings that are often unpredictable and seem irresponsible. I can secure (aka manipulate) the affection I need, the approval I need, the control/security I need to feel good about myself. Busyness lends me the convenience of bypassing the pain so as to also ignore the underlying questions. But if I continue doing so, my life will continue “spinning” in the dreaded rut – where I do the same behaviors over and over expecting a fresh and effortless outcome (i.e. like losing weight without limiting my intake of food or exercising...)

I will never arrive at my soul's deepest longings – and the place where true, abundant and meaningful living emerges - without facing my pain and living my questions.

Here is God's invitation (in the context of bringing our thirsts to his living waters Is. 55:1-8):

“Pay attention, come to Me, and listen that your soul might live.” (Is. 55:3)

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys alongside and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct or coach your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions on how to find a Spiritual Director and/or ask what Spiritual Direction is all about, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

LIVING THE QUESTIONS – PART I

(This is a part of my "loaves and fishes" offerings - click here to see the original post)

Spiritual writer Henri Nouwen, in his book Spiritual Direction, poses that people often go for spiritual guidance when they are unable to evade an “ultimate life question” which vexatiously festers around the corners of their lives. Some of those questions resemble these:

• What is truth?
• I'm so tired of being tired - isn't there more?
• What do I do with my loneliness? My giftedness?
• Can I be forgiven for _________?
• Will I ever be truly loved? Am I loveable? Desirable? Wanted?
• Why am I stuck in a cyclical striving for approval, affection and the need to control but never feeling I gain enough of any of these things?
• How can I overcome my addictions, shame, lust, inadequacies, sense of failure, embarrassments, etc?
• Where is God in all “this” suffering (pain, unclarity, confusion, loss etc)?
• What is my purpose on this planet? Will I ever accomplish anything meaningful?

Where do you turn when you have some of these “ultimate” life questions?

I often don't “see” these questions on the surface of my life. The busyness of life can push most of them to the back burner. But they, nonetheless, commonly lurk beneath the dark surfaces of my conscious or subconscious pain and woundings. Sometimes it is easier to avoid and/or garner pity for the pain than to take a look at it and the deeper questions being revealed underneath. These questions are rarely gentle...they are more haunting...I think that is because some deep part of my soul is crying out to be truly freed to live fiercely and freely. But the doubts feel threatening...will they expose me as a fraud? a failure? a freak?

It is easy to see doubt (i.e. my questions) as the opposite of faith – where really, thinking I am certain of my own ability to answer/validate my life (and/or to avoid the questions while making up my own fictitious estimation of validation) is the opposite of faith.

Really our restless questions ARE the essence of our faith...will we turn to the Creator or culture for answers?

• Consider slowing long enough to sit with some of your “pain” - underneath are your “ultimate life questions.” What are they?
• Now consider paying attention to the core, soulish part of you – where God, your Lover and Maker reside, and ask, “Lord, what are the longings beneath my questions? What is my soul crying out for?” (just listen...do not journal during this time, be attentive to body, soul, mind...)
• After 10 minutes of silence...journal your experience. What did this time reveal to you about God? About yourself? How do you feel about it?

No doubt, these questions are daunting to face alone. It is no wonder that few actually take the time to journey to these deeper places...I long to companion those who long to intentionally face and live their questions...I should not be surprised that so few are "signing up" to do so. This is NOT easy. But neither is getting your body in shape to climb Mt. Hood.

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If you are asking ultimate life questions - trying to “figure life out” - or ready to consider some of these deeper longings of your soul, please consider journeying with a soul friend – a trained spiritual director. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice in the church – where you companion with a person who journeys with you and lends you courage to pay attention to all that your life – your true life – is voicing and longing to voice and contribute to a world in need. A Spiritual Director does not direct your life – but (s)he will help you overhear the nuances of your own soul in tandem with the True Director, the Holy Spirit. For more info or questions, click here or on the links below.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part IV

Regardless of my understanding or ability to control, I felt free to bring my weary and melancholy self into God's presence...again. I am, indeed, powerless to truly solve my humanity with all my innate compulsions to defend, affirm and advance myself. The more I try, the more deeply vested and mired is my ego in itself and its addictions.


The whole Christian journey truly seems to be about God lovingly "un-ning" my false ways of navigating life, and inviting me to union with Him. This isn't just belonging - but joining - becoming one with, having my life hidden with; it is the no-longer-I-who-live-but-Christ-who-lives-in-me sort of stuff. It is the marrow of saints and mystics and martyrs and people who take vows of poverty and chastity and preach sermons to birds and care for the dying in the slums of India - right? Or is it the pith of me, you, the ordinary folk in the 21st century living in a glut of impotent spirituality?


I am woefully inadequate (and not to mention way too selfish and controlling) for union. And yet, I both long for and likely subconsciously sabotage this soul yearning in response to Divine Invitation. My inadequacy, at least in this corner of "my" life, ought to be the greatest cause for celebration. And yet, because my eyes are still too much on me, and what others might think of me, I struggle with feeling morose and discouraged.



Once again. Again. And again...Just as I am, I come. And for a brief moment a warm breath dissipates the despair. For a moment. Then once again, again, and again...just as I am, I come. Abiding, centering, veering off, re-centering, hoping to God that God is God...and flavoring me well in the midst of the marinating.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part III

It seems like nothing spectacular happened during this time of sitting in silence with God - or perhaps I was on the verge of sleep - who am I to distinguish? I'm told by "dead friends" (medieval monastics and early Desert Fathers and Mothers who write on such things) that whether I feel anything or gain any insight, or not, is not the goal. Letting God do a deep, wordless work is my hope. Indeed, all I can do is hope to God that God is God...and good. Calm and Great; Fierce and gentle; Relentless and Tender.


I usually don't recognize that something happened til later - sort of like the two walking on the road to Emmaus - "Were not our hearts burning.....?" (Luke 24:32) or Jacob awaking from his sleep: "Surely the Lord was in this place and I did not know it." (Gen 28:16). Or how grapes appear from doing nothing much but being connected to the vine or how a flank steak absorbs its teriyaki flavor by marinating for hours on end. Transformation only becomes obvious when I inadvertently notice that I didn't react over-dramatically to something that normally gets my goat. Somehow I absorbed the flavor. Somehow the fruit develops. Somehow I notice that I once merely scurried across the dirt and now have wings to fly. Somehow all heaven and earth are moving in the depths of my soul - and I am unaware of it til later. Hmm, maybe something IS happening as I sit with God. What I don't like about it is that I'm not in control of it.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part II

I long to belong.

I am scared of belonging.

What does that actually mean anyway? That I'm accepted? Wanted? Fit in? Or am I merely a bona fide card-carrying member because I passed some weird initiations and have a few seminary degrees and certificates and can spout off some odd creeds and Bible verses and look and spend like most of the others who belong to my particular flavor of Christianity?

That I "heard" the God of the Universe say that I belong to Him both thrills and threatens me. But I don't really know all of what this means. Who am I? Meaning I am both in awe and confused. I didn't think that was possible.

• Tell me about a time when you were both in awe AND confused at the same time...
• What "threatens" you about belonging? How do you prevent yourself from being yourself in your efforts to belong?

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Hoping to God that God is God - Part I

This morning I attempted to sit in silence with God. I am longing for my heart to be healed and know that unflummoxed peace, confidence, and the lack of defensive and judgmental postures from encountering the world in fear. This can only come as Deep calls to deep and melts away all my ingrained compulsions and lusty attachments. In this I am hoping to God that God is God...and good.

So I sat with Him - or more appropriately, squirmed in my attempt to settle my soul while using the "centering" phrase, "I belong to you" every time there was a "distraction" (only about 6000 times...). A few times I heard (not audibly, but assuredly in my core) in response, "Yes, you belong to me."

Those five words brought simultaneous comfort and terror.

• What does "belonging" mean to you? 
• How do you respond to belonging to God?

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Offering some loaves and fishes...

I've been reading through a compilation of Henri Nouwen's thoughts on Spiritual Direction in a book of that same title. In one of his chapters, he speaks of the importance of writing as a spiritual exercise/discipline to help us "discover what lives in us." Here are some of his thoughts:

"For me, to find God in the word often requires writing. Spiritual writing has a very important place in spiritual formation. Even so, writing is often the source of great pain and anxiety. It is remarkable how hard it is to sit down quietly and trust our own creativity...even after many years of writing, I experience real fear when I face the empty page. Why am I so afraid?

"The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey of which we do not know the final destination. Thus, writing requires a great act of trust. We have to say to ourselves: 'I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write.'

"Writing is like giving away the few loaves and fishes we have, trusting that they will multiply in the giving. Once we dare to 'give away' on paper [or electronic blog] the few thoughts that come to us, we start discovering how much is hidden underneath these thoughts and thus we gradually come in touch with our own riches and resources" (99).

As I have journeyed with Jesus over the past several months, I've encountered spaces and places within my soul that are new to me. The newness presents both a thrill and a threat...and often as I've shared with others what I'm experiencing (mostly a deep unraveling of much of what I thought was important) I get cockeyed looks of concern or meddling formulaic fixes for my seemingly off-kiltered gait. I had one person ask me, "How do you want us to pray specifically for you in the weird place you are in?" As if I wasn't already feeling like a freak - I am tempted to feel out of place: too serious, or arrogant, or perhaps verging on, dare I say, heresy.

So, Henri has challenged me...dared me.

The blank page scares me. Sharing the blank page scares me even more. But do I believe that the few loaves and fishes that I'm stumbling upon - wondering how in the hell they will ever feed me - will somehow, when distributed via the hands of God, more than adequately feed 5000? I am dared to believe, but help my disbelief.

In the Biblical story (Matt 14:15-21) people ate as much as they wanted. It wasn't necessarily measured out equally nor fairly. People took what they wanted. Ate what they wanted. Until they were satisfied. There was no judgment or constraint on how much or little anyone took. At the end of the day the disciples aren't bummed because "So-and-So" didn't get his fair share or that Mrs. Farmer ate more than her fair share and pocketed some rolls. Their job was to distribute the goods. There was no "comment form" to register anonymous complaints. As far as we know, there were none because everyone ate until they were satisfied.

I am sheepish to offer/distribute what I've been given - to open myself up for critique, to be vulnerable, asking questions that I think I "should" know the answers to by now - especially as a career "religious" person. Or to ask questions that will likely make too many waves and/or draw too much attention to me or to those questions that we just don't ask in church. I prefer to wrestle in obscurity. Yet I feel invited, and compelled, to offer the doubt-riddled, inadequate loaves and fishes reflections (actually mostly questions)...about ministry, loneliness, spiritual union with God, women in ministry, spiritual direction, shame, inner healing - all without concern of who eats, how much they eat, if they criticize me for not offering steak and lobster instead and for not cooking their fish to perfection (ha - I don't even like seafood, raw or cooked!). How God multiplies, satisfies and/or unnerves people ... well, that is Her job. (I know - I offered that pesky gender pronoun on purpose...)

Join me on this pilgrimage if you'd like ...please. I am running across too many people who feel alone in the struggle. So, ask your questions with me... offer your loaves and fishes with me...and we'll see how God might just feed us and lead us to discover who we are and what is alive in us, and who we are being invited to become. May we come to discover and live more in touch with the lavish, fully satisfying riches and resources of God in the ordinariness of our daily questions.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
• soul care retreats, resources and coaching

For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Easter Wednesday - April 27, 2011 

A Meditation from Henri Nouwen

Two of the disciples of Jesus were on their way to a village called Emmaus... Jesus himself came up and walked by their side; but something prevented them from recognizing him... But while he was with them at table he took bread and said the blessing; ...and their eyes were opened and the recognized him. ...They said to each other 'did not our hearts burn within us as he talked to us...?'. (Luke 24)  

The resurrection stories reveal the always-present tension between coming and leaving, intimacy and distance, holding and letting go, at-homeness and mission, presence and absence. We face that tension every day. It puts us on the journey to the full realization of the promise given to us.

www.mysoulrefresh.com

Jesus can find us in our dead ends...

Just as Jesus found the disciples fishing after his resurrection, 

Jesus comes to us in our dead ends. Jesus can find us, 

even when we’ve tucked ourselves away, in a secluded spot — 

feeling ordinary and empty.  

~Bonnie Gray 

Read John 21 then Selah: Pause and consider this:

• What are your seeming "dead ends"?

• In what ways are you tucking yourself away - secluding yourself for protection?

• In what ways are you feeling ordinary and empty?

Take 3-5 minutes to ask God, "Lord, will you give me your perspective on these places of "stuckness" and "emptiness" in me. How do you feel now, as you emerge from opening your heart to God in this space?

 www.mysoulrefresh.com

Befriending our inner enemies...Henri Nouwen

Befriending Our Inner Enemies

"How do we befriend our inner enemies lust and anger? By listening to what they are saying. They say, "I have some unfulfilled needs" and "Who really loves me?" Instead of pushing our lust and anger away as unwelcome guests, we can recognize that our anxious, driven hearts need some healing. Our restlessness calls us to look for the true inner rest where lust and anger can be converted into a deeper way of loving.

There is a lot of unruly energy in lust and anger! When that energy can be directed toward loving well, [and letting ourselves be loved] we can transform not only ourselves but even those who might otherwise become the victims of our anger and lust. This takes patience, but it is possible." ~ Henri Nouwen

• Take five minutes today to"listen" to your lusts (not just sexual, but strivings for power, attention, pity, material security, time to yourself...etc) and your anger (toward self, God, others...toward your inability to do more, or do better...)
• What unfulfilled needs to these reveal?
• In what ways do these make you feel unlovable or unloved?
• Acknowledge honestly your restlessness and imperfection in the presence of the One who delights in you. Can you let yourself be loved by God in the midst of your restlessness? Why or why not?
• Take a few deep breaths and speak honestly to God whatever is welling in your heart.

 
www.mysoulrefresh.com

Maybe then I will believe in your God...

The site was an encamped caravan. The desert wanderer and a much beleaguered rabbi who had made the mistake of engaging this bedouin tramp in a religious discussion.

"How can you not believe in God?" exclaimed the Rabbi. "Look at all there is around you."

"I did not say I do not believe in God, but only that there is no evidence of him. I say to you, if he does exist, he does not work hard at letting us know it. There is even less evidence that he cares for us."

"But the Scripture says...," sputtered the rabbi.

"The Scripture! Forget what is written. If there is a God, then let him come down here where we are. Let him live in this filthy place where we live. Let him smell the stink, let him feel the poverty, let him know pain, let him see the hunger...let him feel the hunger. Let him know what it is to eke out an existence in the wretched poverty. Let him see a friend die, feel the agony of loss, the unfairness of death. Let him know what it is to watch a little child die and see him taken from his mother's arms for burial. Let him see our diseases, the twisted feet, the sockets of blind eyes. Let this God of yours be hated, jeered, cheated, robbed! Let him lose everything he owns at the hands of the wicked. Let him be dragged before a court of law, as was I. Let him discover firsthand how unjust justice really is!"

The bedouin's vehemence grew as he continued. "And sin! He is so interested in whether or not I sin - let him feel my temptation. Let him experience my weaknesses. Then let us see how he feels about all the rules and commands he has put on me - rules I cannot live up to, yet if I do not live up to them," the bedouin snarled, "he will not like me anymore!"

"Let him feel what I feel, here in this miserable aching, decaying body of mine! And then, let him die! Yes, let him die the way I will probably die, like most wanderers die, out here alone. Homeless, uncared for, forsaken, forgotten! If he wants to impress me, let him become like me. Then maybe I will believe in your God...but not until then!"
~Gene Edwards in The Birth (An awesome view of Christ's birth from the perspective of angels looking down upon and participating in the scenes)

May you believe more deeply in the One who felt our temptations...  experienced our weaknesses...Who smells the stink, poverty, and pains of this world.

To Him be all glory! And may peace reign in your heart...because you know a God who knows...

Merry Christmas!

www.mysoulrefresh.com

Labor pains

 Christmas Eve...within 24 hours, Mary, you will give birth to the Most High. What was said of your life has and will come to pass...the Promise (not just to you, but from the beginning of time) was true and is now being fulfilled.


Amazing...

But perhaps that doesn't alleviate your discomfort in these moments...

• The discomfort of riding a donkey while 9 months pregnant...
• The discomfort of being away from family and familiar, "homey" environments...
• The discomfort of your water breaking, contractions starting, and watching your betrothed run frantically from door to door trying to find a place for you to have this baby...
• The discomfort of laying on prickly straw...
• Painful contractions coming ever closer together...
• The discomfort of looking at Joseph's helpless face...and the stench of the stable making your already nauseous stomach intolerable...
• The discomfort of delivery without drugs, or doctors, or sterile environments...
• The oddity of holding a seemingly helpless and vulnerable God, made flesh as a newborn, in your arms...

 My discomforts seem hardly to compare.

Did you scream in pain? Were you cognizant that God was being born into the world? In the midst of the excruciating discomforts of your current reality, did you have second guesses about saying "Yes" to this audacious request to bear the Son of God? Did you look at the vulnerable little baby and ponder, "How is this the Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace?" To what degree were you aware of the immensity of this moment?

Thank you Mary.

Thank you for saying yes. Thank you for consenting to Loving God's request. Thank you for being obedient despite the discomforts of all you endured - not just physically in delivering a child, but in all the scandals, naysayers and pointing "shame on you" fingers you endured.

Two millenia later, I feel loved by you, strengthened by your example, encouraged to hold fast in my own reality of discomforts - real or perceived. What is the "more" that is transpiring in the midst of what feels painful? Lord, what are you birthing in and through me and my life? Will I say yes? I want to say "yes!"

"All we could ever imagine, could ever hope for He is. He is the wise royal Counselor who fills us with wonder, who holds the tangled storylines of history and will one day bring true understanding between all individuals and nations. He is the God of Might, whose power can accomplish any and every task His holiness demands. His power we need not fear for He is also the Father Eternal who is tenderness itself and who is ever motivated by His everlasting love for His children. Finally, He is Prince of Peace whose first coming has already transformed society but whose second coming will forever establish justice and righteousness. Al this and infinitely more, alive in an impoverished baby in a barn.

"That is what Christmas means - to find in a place where you would least expect to find anything you want, everything you could ever want."
~Michael Card, in The Promise: A Celebration of Christ's Birth

 For reFlection:

• In the midst of your Christmas preparations and celebrations, are you encountering discomforts?
• What are you "wishing for" as you celebrate Christmas tonight and tomorrow? I.e. What is the "Everything you could ever want?" 
• How might you find the "more" God might be birthing in and through you even in the midst of your discomforts?

 www.mysoulrefresh.com

We have so little to do with Christmas...

"Nothing is more repugnant to capable, reasonable people than grace."

~John Wesley

"Luke and Matthew go to great lengths to demonstrate that we - with our power, generosity, competence and capabilities - had little to do with God's work in Jesus. God wanted to do something for us so strange, so utterly beyond the bounds of human imagination, so foreign to human projection, that God had to resort to angels, pregnant virgins and stars in the sky to get it done. We didn't think of it, understand it, or approve it. All we could do in Bethlehem was receive it. A gift from God we hardly even knew.

"It's tough to be on the receiving end of love, God's or anybody else's. It requires that we see our lives not as our possessions, but as gifts... This is often the way God loves us: with gifts we thought we didn't need, which transform us into people we don't necessarily want to be. With our advanced degrees, armies, government programs, material comforts and self-fulfillment techniques, we assume that religion is about giving a little of our power in order to confirm to ourselves that we are indeed as self-sufficient as we claim.

"Then this stranger comes to us, blesses us with a gift, and calls us to see ourselves as we are - empty-handed recipients of a gracious God who, rather than leave us to our own devices, gave us a baby."
~William Willimon in Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas

 For reFlection:

• Do you see your life as a gift or a possession? What might the differences be lived out?
• In what ways do you find it easier to give than receive?
• Our inability to receive can often be a symptom of our need to protect or defend ourselves in order to remain in control vs. be vulnerable. Protected people cannot be transformed. Vulnerable people can. The gist of Christianity IS transformation...in what ways do you wish to be transformed?
• How might you let yourself be loved by receiving over these next few days?

www.mysoulrefresh.com

When Christmas becomes a burden...

Beautiful words from Ann Voskamp...

"Christ the Babe comes in Christmas as Christ the Savior comes on the Cross — seeking only our embrace.
What if I laid down efforts and expectations, perfectionism and performance, and simply waited with arms and heart and eyes wide open?"

Christmas cannot be bought. Christmas cannot be created. Christmas cannot be made by hand. Christmas can only be found.

Enjoy the full reflection here, linger with her words, her photos, her invitations...


For reFlection:

• How are you "finding" Christmas vs. making it happen? 
• What difference might discovery make in your celebrations?
• How might you seek to embrace (or be embraced) by the gift of God this week?
• What do you need to lay down to open your eyes and arms to God's gifts?

www.mysoulrefresh.com

What we choose changes us

"Mary was not the only one who chose to leave the life she had thought would be hers. In choosing Mary and her child, in welcoming the Word into his life, Joseph had his own threshold to cross, his own radical yes to say to God. Perhaps on the night of Jesus’ birth, Joseph lifted up a father’s Magnificat in syllables lost to us; perhaps, in a shelter far from home, he wove them into a lullaby for his chosen child.
What are you choosing this day? In your waking, in your dreaming, how are you listening for and attending to the messages and the invitations that are waiting for you?"

A Prayer for Choosing

What we choose
changes us.

Who we love
transforms us.

How we create
remakes us.

Where we live
reshapes us.

So in all our choosing,
O God, make us wise;

in all our loving,
O Christ, make us bold;

in all our creating,
O Spirit, give us courage;

in all our living
may we become whole.

Jan L. Richardson - original post here.

What places in your life need a radical yes? Transformation? Greater intimacy and courage?

Pray this prayer between now and Christmas morning...and pay attention to what might be reshaped, emboldened, given courage, wholeness, fresh wisdom...

Peace...shalom...wholeness...wellness...courageous settledness to you and yours!

www.mysoulrefresh.com

Another outlandish request...

Joseph, I know that you are an upright man, a good guy. As good as they come. And you have every right to stone Mary, your intended bride, because of her seemed infidelity.

How did that feel? What dreams were shattered? What issues of your manhood were devastated? What hopes were dashed? I wonder if your stomach felt nauseous or if your fists were perpetually tensed or if you caught yourself exhaling deep sighs of stress?

What advice were you getting from others? Did their words help you or hinder you?

Rather than retaliate, you decided to kindly divorce her quietly...without making a scene, without you coming out as the hero, the "good guy" the one who would deserve the town's pity in every little gossipy conversation. You were far from a narcissist - no manipulation, no grandiose gestures, no passive aggressive self-promotion. How much did you just want this to go away...and maybe, maybe one day you could move on. Maybe.

And then came angel in the dream. "Don't be afraid to marry Mary...this is not what it looks like. This is outside the box. Yes, it's outlandish. But so is my love for humanity. Joseph, son of David, in the lineage of the intended Messiah...I am choosing you..."

To say this is outlandish is equivalent to asking a Jewish holocaust survivor to forgive Hitler. It is an impossible task. One that is not required...unless the Outlandish One, who so loved the world He sent His one and only Son to be born of a virgin, in utter poverty, to live and be crucified for the sins of the world, unless that One steps in and extends an invitation to mimic such outlandish behavior...

"Joseph woke up and did exactly as the angel commanded..."

He didn't say, "Was that just a dream? Maybe I ate too much lamb last night and..." He didn't second guess. He woke up and did exactly as the angel commanded: Married Mary, did not have sex with Mary (now there's a miracle!) until after the birth of Jesus -  and named his son Jesus. Just as he was commanded.

Where was the "peace" in this already humiliating scene made more scandalous?

Imagine if Joseph would have made a pro/con chart to make his decision....if left to his own, would he have made his decision on what felt "peaceful"?

For reflection:

• What are some outlandish requests that you've received from God? How did that feel?
• What feels "outlandish" to you currently...is there a situation you are trying to "figure out." How might you invite God into that decision?

www.mysoulrefresh.com

Fourth Sunday in Advent...Peace

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

~Jesus (John 14.27)

 Jesus speaks parting words to his beloved disciples. Similar to the words throughout the Christmas story...Jesus invites them toward trust, which always the gateway to peace. Essentially Jesus is saying, "Regardless of what this all looks and feels like (i.e. it really doesn't make any logical sense and seems messy),  you do not need to be afraid."

Oh, into how many of my messy, seemingly unpeaceful life situations do I need to receive these words?

Jesus does not give like the world gives...

His giving isn't commercialized nor advertised (except often so poorly by our own lives or tacky church signage) and especially not discounted. There are no coupons - except maybe the one that says, "Free." (There is no fine print on that coupon either.)

His giving is neither manipulative nor monopolizing - there are not strings attached. No hidden fees, no obligations.

His giving costs nothing but our opening our hearts to receive.

He gives what we all long for:

Peace: wholeness/wellness/settledness.

I love how Eugene Peterson translates this in The Message:

I'm leaving you well and whole. 

That's my parting gift to you. 

Peace. 

I don't leave you the way you're used to being left—

feeling abandoned, bereft. 

So don't be upset. Don't be distraught. 

For reflection:

• In what areas of your life do you need wellness or wholeness?
• Are there any places where you feel abandoned or bereft?
• What would it look like to invite Jesus into that space?
• He gives not as the world gives...so we are to receive not as the world receives...what might that receiving look like in your current reality?

www.mysoulrefresh.com

 

The long slow journey...

If
as Herod
we fill our lives with things
and again with things,
if we consider ourselves so important
that we must fill every moment of our lives
with action,
when will we have time
to make the long, slow journey
across the desert
as did the Magi?
Or sit and watch the stars
as did the shepherds?
Or brood over the coming of a child
as did Mary?
For each one of us
there is a desert to travel.
A star to discover.
And a being within ourselves to bring to life.

~Unknown - poem shared in class by my teacher.

For reflection:

• Have you ever taken a long, slow journey? What was that like?
• When you reached the end, was it worth it?
• Which word or phrase caught your attention?
• Ask the Lord, "How does this connect to my life/circumstances?"
• What might you be longing to discover, watch, enjoy in life? How do "things" and "filling every moment of our lives with action" interfere with your longing?
• Ask the Lord, "Lord, what are you inviting me toward?" Listen in and pay attention to how you feel about God's invitation.

www.mysoulrefresh.com