Hoping to God that God is God - Part IV

Regardless of my understanding or ability to control, I felt free to bring my weary and melancholy self into God's presence...again. I am, indeed, powerless to truly solve my humanity with all my innate compulsions to defend, affirm and advance myself. The more I try, the more deeply vested and mired is my ego in itself and its addictions.


The whole Christian journey truly seems to be about God lovingly "un-ning" my false ways of navigating life, and inviting me to union with Him. This isn't just belonging - but joining - becoming one with, having my life hidden with; it is the no-longer-I-who-live-but-Christ-who-lives-in-me sort of stuff. It is the marrow of saints and mystics and martyrs and people who take vows of poverty and chastity and preach sermons to birds and care for the dying in the slums of India - right? Or is it the pith of me, you, the ordinary folk in the 21st century living in a glut of impotent spirituality?


I am woefully inadequate (and not to mention way too selfish and controlling) for union. And yet, I both long for and likely subconsciously sabotage this soul yearning in response to Divine Invitation. My inadequacy, at least in this corner of "my" life, ought to be the greatest cause for celebration. And yet, because my eyes are still too much on me, and what others might think of me, I struggle with feeling morose and discouraged.



Once again. Again. And again...Just as I am, I come. And for a brief moment a warm breath dissipates the despair. For a moment. Then once again, again, and again...just as I am, I come. Abiding, centering, veering off, re-centering, hoping to God that God is God...and flavoring me well in the midst of the marinating.

 

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Hoping to God that God is God - Part III

It seems like nothing spectacular happened during this time of sitting in silence with God - or perhaps I was on the verge of sleep - who am I to distinguish? I'm told by "dead friends" (medieval monastics and early Desert Fathers and Mothers who write on such things) that whether I feel anything or gain any insight, or not, is not the goal. Letting God do a deep, wordless work is my hope. Indeed, all I can do is hope to God that God is God...and good. Calm and Great; Fierce and gentle; Relentless and Tender.


I usually don't recognize that something happened til later - sort of like the two walking on the road to Emmaus - "Were not our hearts burning.....?" (Luke 24:32) or Jacob awaking from his sleep: "Surely the Lord was in this place and I did not know it." (Gen 28:16). Or how grapes appear from doing nothing much but being connected to the vine or how a flank steak absorbs its teriyaki flavor by marinating for hours on end. Transformation only becomes obvious when I inadvertently notice that I didn't react over-dramatically to something that normally gets my goat. Somehow I absorbed the flavor. Somehow the fruit develops. Somehow I notice that I once merely scurried across the dirt and now have wings to fly. Somehow all heaven and earth are moving in the depths of my soul - and I am unaware of it til later. Hmm, maybe something IS happening as I sit with God. What I don't like about it is that I'm not in control of it.

 

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For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Offering some loaves and fishes...

I've been reading through a compilation of Henri Nouwen's thoughts on Spiritual Direction in a book of that same title. In one of his chapters, he speaks of the importance of writing as a spiritual exercise/discipline to help us "discover what lives in us." Here are some of his thoughts:

"For me, to find God in the word often requires writing. Spiritual writing has a very important place in spiritual formation. Even so, writing is often the source of great pain and anxiety. It is remarkable how hard it is to sit down quietly and trust our own creativity...even after many years of writing, I experience real fear when I face the empty page. Why am I so afraid?

"The writing itself reveals to us what is alive in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey of which we do not know the final destination. Thus, writing requires a great act of trust. We have to say to ourselves: 'I do not yet know what I carry in my heart, but I trust that it will emerge as I write.'

"Writing is like giving away the few loaves and fishes we have, trusting that they will multiply in the giving. Once we dare to 'give away' on paper [or electronic blog] the few thoughts that come to us, we start discovering how much is hidden underneath these thoughts and thus we gradually come in touch with our own riches and resources" (99).

As I have journeyed with Jesus over the past several months, I've encountered spaces and places within my soul that are new to me. The newness presents both a thrill and a threat...and often as I've shared with others what I'm experiencing (mostly a deep unraveling of much of what I thought was important) I get cockeyed looks of concern or meddling formulaic fixes for my seemingly off-kiltered gait. I had one person ask me, "How do you want us to pray specifically for you in the weird place you are in?" As if I wasn't already feeling like a freak - I am tempted to feel out of place: too serious, or arrogant, or perhaps verging on, dare I say, heresy.

So, Henri has challenged me...dared me.

The blank page scares me. Sharing the blank page scares me even more. But do I believe that the few loaves and fishes that I'm stumbling upon - wondering how in the hell they will ever feed me - will somehow, when distributed via the hands of God, more than adequately feed 5000? I am dared to believe, but help my disbelief.

In the Biblical story (Matt 14:15-21) people ate as much as they wanted. It wasn't necessarily measured out equally nor fairly. People took what they wanted. Ate what they wanted. Until they were satisfied. There was no judgment or constraint on how much or little anyone took. At the end of the day the disciples aren't bummed because "So-and-So" didn't get his fair share or that Mrs. Farmer ate more than her fair share and pocketed some rolls. Their job was to distribute the goods. There was no "comment form" to register anonymous complaints. As far as we know, there were none because everyone ate until they were satisfied.

I am sheepish to offer/distribute what I've been given - to open myself up for critique, to be vulnerable, asking questions that I think I "should" know the answers to by now - especially as a career "religious" person. Or to ask questions that will likely make too many waves and/or draw too much attention to me or to those questions that we just don't ask in church. I prefer to wrestle in obscurity. Yet I feel invited, and compelled, to offer the doubt-riddled, inadequate loaves and fishes reflections (actually mostly questions)...about ministry, loneliness, spiritual union with God, women in ministry, spiritual direction, shame, inner healing - all without concern of who eats, how much they eat, if they criticize me for not offering steak and lobster instead and for not cooking their fish to perfection (ha - I don't even like seafood, raw or cooked!). How God multiplies, satisfies and/or unnerves people ... well, that is Her job. (I know - I offered that pesky gender pronoun on purpose...)

Join me on this pilgrimage if you'd like ...please. I am running across too many people who feel alone in the struggle. So, ask your questions with me... offer your loaves and fishes with me...and we'll see how God might just feed us and lead us to discover who we are and what is alive in us, and who we are being invited to become. May we come to discover and live more in touch with the lavish, fully satisfying riches and resources of God in the ordinariness of our daily questions.

 

• creating unhurried space for the soul 
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For more info about reFresh - go to www.mysoulrefresh.com

Soul space - a fancy way of saying your invisible self needs some elbow room...

This is a repost of a beautiful blog by Emily of www.chattingatthesky.com - I think she is an unhurryup™ kindred:

six things about soul space

July 22, 2010

This week, I have had more time to myself than usual. In fact, I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy more solitude than perhaps ever in my life. I’ve been breathing in the space while, at the same time, grasping for ways to fill it. Isn’t that what we do? My tagline here is ‘a place for your soul to breathe.’ I’ve been thinking about what that means and what it looks like. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Soul space is a fancy way of saying: your invisible self needs some elbow room. That could mean prayer, reflection, Scripture reading, or silence. Or it could also happen in the kitchen or at an easel, in the car or the grocery store. The Bible says we live and move and have our being in him. If he exists in me, then where I go, he goes. Worship isn’t confined to a specific posture or location.

Soul space doesn’t just happen. It is possible to be quiet on the outside but still have a cluttered soul. It is also possible to be outwardly active with a soul that exists in a spacious and enlarged place. We have to choose which path our mind, will, and emotions are going to follow.

Resist the urge to try to force soul space to look a certain way. Things may come up that will disturb, and it may be tempting to think this space is impossible. When interruptions and unexpected things show up , purpose to receive them as part of the process, as a reminder of your humanness, and as an opportunity to set your mind on truth.

In the midst of creating space for your soul to breathe, embrace the unveiling of anxiety. Allow those things that hum under the surface of your everyday activity to rise up from within and offer them to the Holy, Heavenly keeper of all your anxieties. In him is the only safe place.

It takes time to receive space for your soul to breathe. We are so used to moving, reacting, responding and producing. To expect that busy freight train to come to a quick halt is to experience frustration. At the same time, God is not limited by our current life stage. Ask him to miraculously multiply the time you do have in ways that only he can.

Our bodies have to breathe to stay alive, and so does our soul. When I move through my days on auto-pilot, I may be able to survive, but that isn’t the same as living. Surviving says just make it through; living says let’s make it count. Allowing space for your soul to breathe is an invitation to commune with God and one another."

Enjoy creating some intentional and unhurried soul space for yourself today. Thanks Emily - great thoughts!

Unhurryup!™

www.mysoulrefresh.com

The guidance of souls is the art of arts!

Gregory of Nyssa (330-95 A.D.), a Cappadocian bishop and theologian, speaks of the importance of those doing "soul work" (i.e. physicians of the heart) being as qualified, if not more so, than medical physicians.

“No one ever attempts to teach any art unless he has learned it himself after much thought. With what stupidity, then, would the pastoral office be undertaken by the unqualified, seeing that the guidance of souls is the art of arts! Who does not recognize that the wounds of the mind are more concealed than the internal lesions of the body? Those who have no knowledge of the curing powers of drugs shrink from pretending to be physicians of the body. Nevertheless, persons who are totally ignorant of spiritual matters are often not afraid to present themselves as physicians of the heart."

in Jerome M. Neufelder and Mary C. Coelho, editors. Writings on Spiritual Direction. New York: The Seabury Press, 1982, p. 28.)

As a Soul Artisan™, or one who facilitates and instructs others in the art of living from the soul, I do not take lightly imparting the things that I do not possess or have not experienced. I am ignorant of much - but I do know that without God's love being experienced in the deepest corners of my being, I will remain flat, vapid, and uninteresting to a world longing to know there is a deeper Love that will meet their deepest ache. Caring for souls is an awesome task. It is a humbling task. It is mysterious and more often than I care to admit, seemingly unproductive. Those looking for quick fixes don't look for soul care... quick fixes change the externals, but rarely the core of one's being. Those who are unwilling to unhurryup!™ - to slow their pace and pay attention, cannot experience the lasting transformation that comes from accepting God's invitation to come close.

For most of us who have been chosen (rarely does someone choose such a demanding, difficult, unmeasurable job description) to be involved in the guidance of souls, it is an underpaid, undervalued, unrecognized calling. That's okay - I haven't met anyone yet who cares deeply about soul cure who stops doing it because they are not valued or paid well. There is a deeper understanding of the privilege of companioning others in an inward soul journey to listen to the "still, small, voice" of God within. As the angel of the Lord said to Elijah, "The Journey is too much for you..." (1 Kings 19:7) (and the journey, take note, was not to go out and do more ministry - but to journey to a place where Elijah could hear the gentle whispers of God.)

So often pastors and ministry leaders are trained in preaching, exegeting scripture and in systematic theology - all very wonderful, good and important things. But how often are spiritual leaders guided to listen to His gentle whispers - even in the midst of earthquakes, winds, and fires? Without also being led in the guidance of the soul, (Love encountering and healing those deep, hidden, bare-naked flabby portions of which we're deeply afraid or in denial) - the homilies, the acts of service, the serving on committees, the evangelism, is more an inauthentic exporting of our neuroses and biases, than of His heart.

Without daily experiencing and soaking in God's love (not just a one hour quiet time, but a being WITH Him throughout the day...being in step with His Spirit...being in sync with and joining the Father in what He is already doing vs. asking Him to bless the strategic and culturally relevant plans I'm making) I operate in the second command (of loving others) vs. letting the second command flow out of the First. (Matt 22:37-40). What does the First Command look like in your daily living - how are you letting God love you?

Do you have guidance for your soul? Are you interested in journeying with a soul companion or to discover, recover or deepen intimacy with God...with yourself...with others?

What questions does this arouse in you? What fears? What longings? Lean into His wooing you deeper, closer...He is for you, not against you (Romans 8:31-32).

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